Reading means more to me than I thought…

Just to completely mess with your brain about who and what I am, I have decided to change things up a little and talk about something I don’t really bring up very often. But more on that in a moment or two…

I feel more than a little flustered by one specific thing, I want to read more. But life keeps putting things up in the way, challenges and obstacles and difficulties,  that I have to overcome…

But once they are done and out of the way I am tired and more than likely just want to sleep.

I’m worried that I am not reading enough to be a writer anymore, it genuinely concerns me, more than I think it should. A writer should be obsessed with books, simply so they can see what works and what doesn’t, interesting ideas and crap ones.

cof

(This is the first page I have fully written up in my ‘books to read’ book… That makes total sense… But it should show you my lack of progress this year…)

I want to read more, but I just don’t find the time to anymore. I am always thinking of how to write, and get upset whenever I am not thinking of writing…

But when I am so hurried, I don’t think as much as I should about reading, even when I do get to doing some reading I cant concentrate on it like I used to.

I am always concerned that I will have to do something, or that I should be paying attention to something else that I cannot lose myself in it anymore.

I cannot lose myself so I cannot enjoy it, I cannot invest myself in the story so it will just be something which will occupy my brain for a little while… And then poof, it will disappear.

This is possibly the saddest thing I have discovered for a very long time.

I have a list of books I want to read and I have to admit that my Amazon Kindle is actually amazing for being able to read books on the go… I just haven’t gotten around to reading them yet which is such a shame.

It sucks… I used to read so much, I mean I got through the last Harry Potter book in like six hours at the time it was released. I mean this is hardly world record type skills but it was a better thing than now as it has taken me a month to get through two books.

sdr

(This is more of the list of books I want to read… I want to build to the point that I can write a full page of books I want to read and read them in a month or two… Not the fastest reader in the world but still a lot better than at the moment.)

My brain is still being absorbed into the eternal mushiness of YouTube and stress about my course, I have basically forgotten the most amazing form of centring myself.

Nothing is quite like reading a book all of the way through and getting to the end… I guess I understand to an extent as to why I doesn’t do it.

I pride myself on being logical and sensible regardless of the situation, books make it harder to do so, as they empower the emotional side of my mind. Which is a good thing for me, I know it is but I don’t like feeling out of control…

I cannot guarantee who or what I am, or what I will become and to be honest, that frightens me more than anything. I take pride in knowing who and what I am, I have just managed to fully get back to standing on my feet after a stroke and some severe emotional scaring… I don’t know what to expect.

Other than the fact that it needs to happen.

So, yes, I miss that creative side of me, but I guess I’m scared of what it could create… But there is no sense in just running away from a noise in a sense. It’d be more interesting to see what the noise is in the first place…

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