I think it is in my blood…

I feel like I am going mad at the moment…

I keep trying to put focus into my life but every time I do something comes up as if to say ‘but wait a minute, what about me?’ and every single time I feel like I am cast back to the drawing board with my life.

I do want to be in phenomenal shape that is a given, but what person doesn’t want to be in great shape? I also want to be a writer so I should be devoting more time to this endeavour as well…

But it is the one thing which has severely suffered through all of this…

My physical health may have improved, but at the cost of my mental health. I haven’t written any story in a few weeks now, nor have I written in my journal (Yes I have a journal, what of it?)

There are so many things I want to do to improve it, such as I want to meditate more, I want to relax more, I want to feel like I have more time to write, but… I just feel like I dont have the time at the moment.

I don’t have a lot of time in the morning before I need to leave the house for the gym, I make food for now and for the day, pack my bag, get my kit and my change of clothes ready, shake, snacks, then off to the gym!

Then after that I am in the shower and straight off to work, a journey which takes an hour and forty minutes either way, after work it is straight home and I am often too tired to do much then…

I feel like I am at a tipping point, I can either continue along this same road and let my writing drift away to the back of my mind, to be nothing more than a memory…

But this would be a sad thing to happen, as I love writing. I have written since I was a very small child, and without some kind of creative outlet I may go mad!

Or I can let it re-emerge and be a powerful guide in my life, but I would have to decrease the time I spend in the gym if I am to do that, or at least reduce it for now until I get used to having writing in my day again- Hang on.

Did I just make a plan?

I think I did you know.

Why am I talking to myself?

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(This is a new habit I am trying to get into, using more vegetables in my food! That and actually making/eating what I actually want to, rather than just putting food in my mouth and hoping I swallow…)

I get that if I want to be a creative, so any job will do etc, provided it actually gives me enough money to survive and so why should I spend so long travelling to my job.

The answer to that question is thankfully simple, I enjoy the job… I don’t think I could do a normal sedentary job now, I would miss being active too much.

I mean I teach it and I want to set aside time in three of my days to go and do it for fun myself, so I must find it at least entertaining.

This whole thing amalgamated into a horrible existential crisis earlier today (Yes I have many of these), where I tried to figure out where I would most like to be in my life, what I would most like to do…

The answer was easy to discern, writing…

Everything else is just particularly attractive window dressing. It is a good goal to aim for, something to keep me occupied, but it is not what I want to be remembered for.

This is easy enough to remember but consistently it is beaten up, paraded around as a silly idea, a dream, so it will never be more than that.

So I will do some work, get through quite a bit of story and then my brain will hurt, or I will fall ill, or I will simply get frustrated that my brain needs a break.

Then it will just disappear… This is heart breaking.

Then I will simply fall into old habits, being a strong man is an attainable goal for me. I am tall, weirdly strong for someone who does have a whole lot of practice in comparison with others, I easily lose weight, I can also easily gain it, I know the rigmaroles of what to go through, but it is a safe goal…

Not Olympic standard or even national standard, but regional I’m probably quite close to now.

I am in no way trying to demean the progress of bodybuilders or strong men by saying it is easy, if you want to be competition standard that is damn hard!

The amount of time and effort that goes into building these people is god damn staggering, people train their entire lives and never reach this kind of level.

Can I remind everyone that Ed Hall has dead lifted half a god damn metric ton?! 400kg less than that is seen as a bench mark in strength.

But oddly enough I don’t even mean it is possible, I mean other people have achieved it, so I know in some way it is at least understandable by other people to be a goal worth reaching for…

But all I want to do is write, and naturally that comes with its own complications, it is a scary goal. There is no guide for what I want to write…

But that’s an understandable dream, right?

Well apparently not. People want me to almost fill in a check box list (This is totally a technical term), there are rules to being a writer apparently…

If there were rules then the medium would have died out long ago!

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(Spinach is a tasty green… Well I guess that depends on your frame of reference. If you are used to the tastiness of gummy bears I am sorry but it does not taste as ‘good’ as that…)

I don’t want anything stereotypical in what I write. I mean I know some things will have to be to help drive the plot forwards etc, but I want every word I write to be unexpected.

I have a distaste for normality, a strong opposition for the regiments of what governs our lives, I have never wanted normal… From what I wear to the way I speak this should not be a surprise.

I have lived in a town which is known for its strong accent for 25 years, and I still have not picked it up

Does this mean I will probably be, at best, a niche writer and at worst a pretentious dick head? Yes. But I would rather write what I want to write rather than write for someone else and not feel the passion behind the words…

All art is chaotic in its nature, and chaos hates order…

Anyway… I miss writing. If you could not tell from this massive explosion of text.

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